Frustration

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The month of July 2019 was a challenging month for me, so far. A month full of anger, frustration and helpless feelings.

Early of July 2019, I’ve received a phone call from my only sister. She told me about the sickness that my brother was having. I’m not going to reveal here what is the sickness. But, we finally understood on why my brother has been feeling sick and did not get well at all after a lot of months. He constantly was getting sick, and his health started to deteriorate a few months back. We were kept wondering why he’s not getting any better. Why was his fever on and off? Why was he getting all these diseases?

And finally, he was admitted into a hospital when he has trouble breathing. And after a lot of check ups, finally, the doctor told us the news. My sister called me, and she cried. She broke down the news to me. I remembered what she said. I remembered that I was silent when the news finally dawned upon me. I was silent. I did not said anything back to her. Finally, I told her, I need to hung up the phone and I need to call my brother.

I called my brother. He was still in the hospital. When he answered my call, the only thing that I’ve said to him, that I really love him very much. I broke down and cried. I cried hard. It was messy on my part. He told me, he was really scared. I was scared. This is a matter of life and death.

It took me a few days to sink all of the information. I cried for days. I did not talk to my husband. I didn’t tell him the news. When I’ve finally told him, I think, I’ve finally accepted the reality.

I kept on asking, why must this sickness fall upon onto my brother? He is a nice guy. He is a good brother. Why must he go through something like this? I kept on asking and asking. There will be no answer. Ever.

When everything has calmed down, I’ve finally accepted everything. Redha with everything. My brother is still alive. But, he has to be on medication. Until his body adjusted to the medication, he will constantly fell sick from time to time. We need to be brave and be positive for him. It was frustrated because I couldn’t help much to lessen his burden. But, as my husband and my mother always told me, life must go on. We must survive everyday.

The story of frustration did not finish there.

Middle of July 2019, I’ve received another heartbreaking news. My mother-in-law fell sick. Her blood pressure was high. She couldn’t sleep for days. We finally brought her to the hospital, because we didn’t know what to do.

After further check ups, she was diagnosed as kidney failure stage 5. Her high blood pressure leads to the kidney failure. And the doctor told us, she needs to do dialysis. We were shocked. I was again, devastated and felt so much anger and frustration.

I called my sister to vent all of my frustration and my anger. Being a good sister, she listened and made jokes to lighten what I was feeling at that time…:)

Again, it me took many days to grasp all of the information. My mother-in-law was really sad. She couldn’t believe it either. That she was sick. That her kidney is no longer functioning. She was weak. She was felling nausea and vomited from time to time. Still, I couldn’t do much to lessen her burden.

My brother is young. He still has his strength. But, my mother-in-law is old and she’s losing her strength. Her hands were shaking. And once again, I kept on asking. Why her? She has gone through so much before. Why more? Why? This was too much for her.

And again. No answer. Ever.

My husband kept on telling me to redha. Redha with what Allah planned for all of us.

This time, I did not shed any tears. At all. I told my husband, I don’t have any tears left. One time, I felt numb. I am still trying to be positive up until now.

Life must go on. We must survive each day. Pray to Allah for strength.

I love her to death. While my friend kept on telling bad things about their mother-in-laws, my mother-in-law has been so good to me. She takes good care all of her daughters-in-law and son-in-law. She deserves all the loves on the world.

Don’t worry. I shall continue this story in another entry. For the time being, this story will end here. And again, the month of July 2019 was a challenging month for me.

Semoga Allah sentiasa memberi kekuatan kepada kita semua, untuk mengharungi segala cabaran di dunia ini.

Aamiin.

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